I know that it may sound weird, but if we are known to perceive the world around us based on the light and air vibrations that we are genetically capable to register, how do we know that we are grasping, seeing or hearing the same thing?
I think I have exhausted my best friend while elaborating my rhetoric a couple of days ago.
‘Let's take the chair as an example. Your chair is yellow, right? And we both agree it is yellow. But what if my yellow is different from yours? What if your yellow is the same as my red? I don’t know what you see and you don’t know what I see. We agree it is yellow. But how can we be sure that we talk about the same thing? Maybe you see it differently?’
I know. Now you ask yourself if I’m crazy or you ask yourself if you are crazy to think about it too. Either way - relax. I will keep my philosophical monologues aside. At least for now as I intend to write about something else.
It’s been a while. I was waiting for some inspiration but January went by damn quickly. Fresh kick into the new year, all the big goals, commitments and promises to self. Same old January. It never disappoints.
I have started the year extremely excited. I was supposed to partner on a project that was very dear to my heart. It was one of these things when it is not about the money but the vision that you share with someone. Just a month and a half ago, my enthusiasm and excitement were contagious (at least this is how my family described it). Then it melted out. Or, perhaps, burned out?
Nothing special happened. No wrong words, actions, anything. Except for a temporary lack of communication that turned out to be the whole of January. I found myself flipping through the papers of materials that I had in mind to prepare for this project. Little voice in my head whispered ‘maybe your enthusiasm is exceeding the ambition they are having? What if you would put that level of energy and excitement into ideas that you are constantly putting aside as one-day, when projects?’
I closed the folder and made the decision.
I was out of my partnership before it practically started.
I was totally ok with this decision. No hard feelings, no apologies needed from any side. The time was just not right. Or it was? Just perhaps not for that particular project and that particular partnership.
I opened another folder and I kicked IT off. It. My project. All by myself for myself.
‘When you CAN, ask yourself if you WANT to before you do.‘ Matthew McConaughey, 'Greenlights’
This year I’ll turn 40. So it could be that this tiny fact played a big role in this decision. Well, I would not really call myself as someone who has to wrap up her decade to start thinking about life. It is perhaps just that this rhetoric now doesn’t play a supporting role but rather appears as a main actor in my everyday life. And I like it.
When I was at the university I had sort of a ritual. I don’t know how it started but I know that after a while I used to take my exams by writing with a green ink pen. I liked how it looked on the paper. Elegant, calming, different. I took one exam by writing with it as I did not have the other pen (you know, conventional - black or blue). I got an A. Then I started to use it on each of my exams. Following my International Marketing exam, I was invited to visit the professor's office. I didn’t quite know why so I rushed to see her during her consultation hours.
‘Oh… so you are Dunja! Thanks for dropping in. I just wanted to see you and tell you how I loved that you wrote with the green ink pen. I think it is fabulous. Of course, the content itself was great and you got an A. It is obvious that you have studied. But the green ink pen. That is not something to learn. That was different. Over my past 10 years as a professor, this is the first exam written in an ink that is not black or blue. And it was such a pleasure to read it. Thank you for that.’
At that time, it was obviously not a big deal for me. I’ve appreciated the compliments but was rather surprised that I was invited because of my pen. Now, after nearly two decades and at the approximately the age my professor had when it happened, I believe that I fully understand it.
‘Continue writing with your green ink pen throughout life!’ she waved at me before I closed the door of her office.
I did not write much with the green ink after I graduated from university. I switched to blue and mostly black. Occasionally red when I wanted to stress the importance of notes to myself.
With just a tiny bit of Google magic, I have learned today that the green ink is ‘generally a colour that is welcome, often associated with bosses, eg the head of a school (principal) in Germany uses green ink as does the MI6 head (association with bosses, authority).’
Interesting. But kind of irrelevant. I am not interested in becoming the principal nor the MI6 head. Even less to boss around.
Just to write the pages of my life with the green ink pen.
‘I’m good at what I love, I don’t love all that I’m good at.’ Matthew McConaughey, ‘Greenlights’
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